"Studying."
"What year in university are you?" (I was glad he didn't ask if I were in university yet. With my round face, small stature, and high voice, I look young even for an Asian woman where I often get asked if I'm in university yet, when I'm in graduate school already! hff, hff :(
"I'm studying for my masters actually." (There is no equivalent of graduate school in Chinese. You say you are studying masters or doctorate. I don't mention the PhD as the general thinking and saying is: There are 3 kinds of people: males, females, female PhDs).
"Where do you study?"
"At the Beijing Forestry University." (You get very good at telling half-truths, quarter-truths even, when you are regularly asked to debrief your life upon first encounters.)
"The Financial Crisis is forcing a lot of graduates to continue school because they can't find jobs. Does this apply to you too?"
"I applied two years ago, so no."
"Then why did you go? I have a daughter about your age. I don't want her to continue studying. A girl shouldn't be too educated. My daughter graduated from college in 07, married in 08, had a baby in 09. Everything was done on schedule." (Yes, he actually said "on schedule")
"Wonderful news on the grandchild. I graduated in 07. Was your daughter born in the year of the rat?"
"Yes."
"We are the same age then."
"That's why I'm talking to you like a father. How is your individual situation?" (ie are you in a serious relationship and about to be married.)
"Well, studies take a lot of time and energy."
"See, this is why women shouldn't study too much. You know the old saying: 'An unskilled woman is a virtuous one.' (Yeah, it's 1000 years old. And without skill can also be translated as without intelligence here, so you can also say: A stupid woman.)
Your individual situation is extremely important. You need to make time and energy for it. A woman's most important asset is by no means her degree. You ask any man, he would rather marry a high school graduate than a masters graduate."
"Then maybe they don't have enough confidence in their manhood."
"Ha, how many men have that confidence. You can't find one in a hundred."
"I have to pick the one in a thousand then. China has enough men if nothing else."
"But that one will not be picked by you if you are past 30. A woman's youth is extremely important. A man will always pick young women.
By the way, raising a young woman is like raising a tiger. It's fraught with danger. You always worry about her situation:
when she is young (ie need to make sure to know where she is at all times if you do let her out so she doesn't get pregnant)
and when she is of age. (ie keeping her away from poor suitors: ones not from the big cities because even if they have made their own way in the big city, they have poor families back home who will be parasites on our family from the capital city. A good suitor is one who has a job, house, parents in Beijing. Grandparents are better to make sure there are no poor extended relations either.)
It is much more worrisome than raising a boy. (ie they don't get pregnant)
"You must be worry-free now that her work and family life are all settled."
"Yes, we are very pleased that we have avoided all the pitfalls. Remember, you are not getting any younger. Now, more than anything, your parents worry about your individual situation. What year was your dad born."
"That of the sheep."
"I'm born in that of the horse, so I'm one year older. Yes, I'm sure he is very worried about your individual situation. (actually, my dad wants me to stay away from all men and is very worried that I don't have a high enough degree.) Ah, we are here, be sure to put your wallet out of sight before you get out of the car. Be careful, don't go wondering by yourself at night. Actually, better not to go out at night at all."
It is frightening when blatant sexism is internalized by the arbitrator (dad) and victim (daughter). It simply does not occur to the sexist and agist dad that his daughter or I can have any idea on what is good for us. What could I have said to change that mindframe? How do women not let sexism influence us -where we set sexist expectations as either something to live up to or to dismantle- while taking into consideration the different needs, desires, tastes between each woman?
Wow. Just wow.
ReplyDeleteYour ability to be diplomatic, and calmly discuss this with him is to be applauded, by the by. I suppose in his worldview, he was giving you needed advice.
Aww, thanks Mike. I'm really not a firecracker though. Plus, like you say, I do see his point of view. The more important/unanswerable issue is: how does one even go about changing his mindset?
ReplyDeleteI have had similar conversations, people warning me that I should not look for another job in China because it will keep me away from the US during the time when I should be "paying attention to my personal situation." Although, then they suggest that I should stay here and marry a Chinese man, which would solve all my problems.
ReplyDeleteI have also heard the three kinds of people, males, females, and female PhD's. A graduate student here at work told me blatantly that he does not want to marry a smart girl.
I do think we have the same thing in the US. My friend in Med-school tells quarter truths to guys too: "I'm in graduate school." Or else she gets treated like, as she calls it, a "BIB" (big independent bitch).
Perhaps we're not so far ahead.....
You are definitely right Laura. Sexism exists everywhere. It only differs by the degree to which it is explicit and accepted by a large segment of society.
ReplyDeleteInstead of saying, I'm a PhD student at Columbia U, my friend says to a boy: "I'm umm, like, in grad school."
I downplay the PhD thing too, but not b/c I'm a woman, just b/c it separates me too greatly from others. People do think differently of me, but I never considered that it could be b/c I'm a woman. I've always been encouraged so strongly by my parents and friends that I never thought about it much.
ReplyDeleteHowever, a PhD female friend of mine has fights with her fiance about this. He accuses her of thinking she's smarter than him. I've seen them get in really mean fights when they're drunk and it sucks. But I would never date this dude - he's a chach.
Doug is pretty cool about me getting my PhD. He has had trouble in school, but we can both relate about striving towards greater understanding or truth, even though it's in totally different fields and we're going about it in different manners. You just have to find someone (if you want to find anyone at all) who values learning, learning for everyone, not just men.
I personally think brains are sexy. And any guy with half a brain would agree.
ReplyDeleteBut then, in a world where brawn doesn't matter for being a provider, and brains do, maybe the men just fear obsolescence as the women encroach on their turf. Or maybe that's all just a bunch of pop-psychology. :D