Anxiety Ridden Chinese

The Chinese are the most anxious people I know.

Why?

I hypothesize that it results from combining the worsts of capitalism and communism, with historical ties. Currently, China's economy is capitalist with no safety nets. Its politics are communist with no other parties or elections allowed. Chinese experience the "capitalist anxiety" where they focus on wealth accumulation and live in fear of anything that could wrong, taking wealth away. They also experience the "communist anxiety", always wondering if what they have accumulated will be nationalized.

The "communist anxiety" is a remnant from the Cultural Revolution (1966-1976) where landlords were overthrown and all the country's land were collectivized. That Revolution morphed into State control of everything, where one's life was not her own choosing. For example, nearly everyone with a high school degree were sent to countrysides to be 'reeducated and reformed'. Merit-based education was banned throughout the country, taken over by propaganda-based education. In the countryside, it was illegal to raise your own chickens because they were not collective property. In 2009's market economy, where everything (economically, not politically) is to your own choosing, there is no wonder that people are so anxious to safeguard possessions against anything that might happen.

Here, my Marxist friend counters that it's not anxiety I'm describing, but materialism. People can choose non-materialistic pursuits. Yes, but choosing a path that is not the one that everyone else is doing requires critical thinking: the exact thing oppressed in schools and society. Seeing their hold on power cannot be sustained from isolation like North Korea's, the Chinese communist government opened its doors to capitalism in order to draw people's attention to material gains rather than rights and freedoms. With people focused on getting Mercedes, they have no interest in participating in social movements. Hence while it is possible to critically examine one's life in spite of hegemony, it is very, very hard.

On top of these historical, economic, political, social conditions, add in a long-standing culture valuing achievement and work ethic, and the Chinese become the most anxious peoples.

There is a deep psychological price to be paid in being the 'Economic Miracle' and 'Model Minority'.

The Nowhere (wo)man

Before Jane points out (rightly so) the bad attitude of the last post and how feeling at home is a choice rather than a pie that drops from the sky, I'm going to re-adjust that attitude myself after having vented.

I had a chance to catch up with my development/activist friends who have returned from similar year-stays/soul-searchings in Latin America, Asia, Africa. The consensus is that it'd take them a lifetime to assimilate into another culture: precondition for enacting change, and there is so much to done in the States. Hence they are going back to their most familiar, childhood communities to make change there. I agree. But I have no such moral sphere of influence. My childhood was spent in a half dozen communities: communist in Beijing, capitalist in Hong Kong, Muslim in Singapore, intellectual in Pennsylvania, WASP in Ohio... I felt no more tied to one than I did another. I have to now seek/make my own community not because that is the most effective way towards change, but because I now want to.

Pico Iyer described himself as "The Nowhere Man": an Indian who lived in America and attended boarding school in England. He savors being an Indian in Cuba, an American in Thailand, an Englishman in New York. I too feel a stronger bond to humanity than I do my countrymen, ethnic group, class because those distinctions aren't so clear for me. I am as pained by Cambodia's suffering as I am by those of middle America.

This may sound like the answer to world peace. But being in the minority, it too makes us disconnected from most of humanity. We become "Seasoned experts at dispassion, we are less good at involvement. We are masters of the aerial perspective, but touching down becomes more difficult. Unable to get stirred by the raising of a flag, we are sometimes unable to see how anyone could be stirred... Being part of no society means one is accountable to no one. If single nation people can be fanatical as terrorists, we can end up ineffectual as peace keepers."
(http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=4639)

That was the Pico in 1997. I heard recently he has found a home in Kyoto. This from a man who 12 years ago considered English to be his only home. (http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/07/the-joy-of-less/?scp=2&sq=pico%20iyer&st=cse)

The me from one year ago is also different. I too want a physical community now, but it'll be a more difficult, limitless, stressful, and exciting search than most.

Not at Home

Grove City, Ohio: the town I spent the most continuous amount of time. I disdain it.

I went to 5 elementary schools in 3 countries and 3 languages, 4 middle schools in 2 states, 1 high school in Ohio, 1 university that was much more an intellectual than a physical home. Then there was the year in Latin America, New York, Asia...

The one Christian, suburbia HS may have been the most jarring experience.

In daily Bible classes where we categorized entire books and learned how to save people from damnation, students ask:

"Mrs. Jones, Bill asked me how I know God exists. It's not like we can see God."

"Good question Sam. Pay attention class. This is a question that nonbelievers will ask you.

(How is it that we are just now talking about this Q in 9th grade?!)
You ask Bill whether he can see the wind. No, but he feels its power. It's the same as God. You feel His effects."

(Why didn't we think of this before! Let's put up a God mill so we can measure His effects!)

"Today we are going to learn how to explain that the Father, Son, Holy Spirit are One. It's best to use examples when trying to explain complicated concepts (Ok, with you so far Mrs. J). You can compare it to an egg; the shell, white, yolk are separate entities, but together they make One egg. The Trinity exists as One. "

(Hmmm...What about egg white omelets?)

"We have to spend millions to build a bigger church with an McPlace playground, food court, salon, bookstore, latest surround sound system because we are attracting people to Jesus. For people to give Christianity a chance, they need to know Christians have fun!"

(Yeah, I say fuck the Poor too.)

I went through HS thinking I was the one who was crazy. Partly because I couldn't voice these thoughts as my family had to sign a contract that we would not interfere with the school's religious teachings. But I did learn a lot of religious things, such as the difference between Christians and Catholics. My Catholic MS and Christian HS education taught me that Catholic kids compete on how anti-establishment they are:
How many girls did you lay?
How much did you sniff?
Very Mean Girls style: How manipulative can you be to the new kid?

And Christian kids compete on how pro-establishment they are:
"I went to a church event everyday this week. Did you?"
"My parents and I have been at church everyday for the past month rehearsing for the Easter play."
"I'm a pastor's kid. We live at the church!"
"Charlene, did you make it to church last week?"
4 years at a Christian school and I never once went to a service. Being judged Monday through Friday, I needed a break on Sundays.

I support Christianity now actually. It means well: to prevent conflict. But it's as Gandhi said: "I might have become a Christian if it were not for the Christians."

Back in suburbia (where they sent their kids to war and elected Bush two terms), I realized I promised myself all those years ago that this will never be my home regardless (or because of) how well I know it. I will fly transatlantic, learn a new language, adopt a new culture before I settle on the familiar in Grove City, Ohio.

How Does Chinese Work

Many have been asking me how exactly does Chinese work? Laura's explanation is the best I've seen. Be prepared to be blown away. http://eastversusmidwest.blogspot.com/2008/07/exactly-how-does-chinese-work.html

Ok, now you see how Chinese is the opposite of the romance languages, linguistically. I want to add a bit about how it is also different in spirit. English is a language of precision. We have a noun for everything! Chinese has few nouns and lots of adjectives to construct new words. In Chinese, pumpkin=south melon, watermelon=west melon, gourd=winter melon, cucumber=yellow melon...

In turn, Chinese is a language grounded in poetry. In daily conversation, people refer to poetry and literary works thousands of years old. English's precision helps us understand what the other is talking about: biscuit v cookie, bungalow v house. Chinese's wide use of references and colorful adjectives help other Chinese know exactly what the other is saying.

Day to Day in Rural China

A lighter post from when I lived in Tibetan China: a list of things I did in no particular order.

I cook. You laugh, but I like simple things.

I eat with my Tibetan Buddhist, Hui Muslim, Han Atheist friends (separately of course).

I walk the streets and parks watching families, grandmothers, roast-yam sellers.

I watch grandfathers concentrate on chess, majiang, card games.

I watch the same movies (I recommend Kunfu Panda).

I sleep without an alarm.

I realize I'm from the West.

I realize I'm from the East.

I read philosophy (in English), the news (in Spanish), essays (in Chinese), and sometimes textbooks (in math). The wonders and frustrations of languages.

I connect with family, with friends old and new, or just a friendly face.

I learn to fight.

I learn to let go when fighting is useless.

I teach.

And I do all these things without looking at the clock.

信仰

信仰，信仰

是先信再养还是先养再信呢？

何苦呢

理发师想方设法动员我染发，这样他能收我200而不是20。

“你的头发好黄啊。你应该把它染黑，这样能显得你的皮肤更白。”

可在我住的地方，人们把头发染黄去显得他们的皮肤更黑。

一样难理解的事：我的白肤色朋友花很多精力和钱把他们的皮肤晒黑，那紫外线还可以致癌。
我的深肤色朋友也花很多时间和金钱把他们的皮肤花白，那些化妆品也可能致癌。

这是何苦呢。

The Tibet Question

Having spent my year in Tibetan China, many have asked my thoughts on the Tibet issue. I usually dodge so precarious a question as whoever asks (Chinese or Western) usually has strong opinions either way, ones that will not hear fresh views in one conversation. Here, I attempt to articulate views that are entirely my own. I hope to convey some of its complexity and always remain open to new perspectives.

The most popular question: Do I think Tibet should be free?

China will never let allow Tibet independence because it will set the precedent for subsequent successions in the minority west that can lead to 40% land loss. China poised as the emerging powerhouse, will not allow itself to be broken up like the Soviet Union was in its decline. China has 56 minorities that it has fought to conquer and to assimilate over 5,000 years. Historical, cultural, religious differences between Tibetans and Hans will continue to be squashed through the pursuit of a harmonious society via homogeneity.

The question should be: How can Tibetans be treated equally, with respect by their Han Chinese government(CG)?

The answer does not lie in “Free Tibet” campaigns. The more the West portrays Tibet as a victim, the more the Chinese government feels the West (US especially) is trying to break up China as a potential super-power rival. This leads to more state oppression and propaganda. Oppression keeps taking away liberties from Tibetans. Propaganda tells Hans how ungrateful these vile Tibetans are where they are rioting and killing Hans when CG has poured in billions of development aid/Han tax dollars to Tibet. Ill-will between Hans and Tibetans multiply, giving CG more ammunition in enacting oppressive policies. CG feels no pressure from Western campaigns (evidenced by its human rights record), especially when it has national support. These campaigns (initiated by exiles in Nepal and India and financed by EU and US) rile those Tibetans already prone to 3/14 acts where Tibetans set Han shops on fire and Han police fire on Tibetans. Post 3/14 led to worse relations between the Dalai Lama and CG, no Tibetans granted passports, greater military presence across 4 Tibetan provinces, Tibetans losing any sympathy they previously had from Hans because they shamed China pre-Olympics. These campaigns do nothing to help Tibetans living in China.

The answer lies in less, not more hostilities between CG and Tibetan government in exile. Yes, the Dalai Lama(DL) cannot be more a peacemaker, but no matter how saintly DL is as a person, the position of DL is not one that CG will accept. The communist party is religiously non-religious. Anything that threatens the Party=god mentality is immediately squashed. Hence the go-to Tibetan representative cannot be a lama and should reside in China. CG also needs a Tibetan sympathizer who will speak genuinely with the Tibetan representative: non-religious, non-independence, non-discriminatory. CG needs to realize how its demonization of DL and immediate denunciation of Tibetan identities only strengthen Tibetan wishes for independence. Both sides need to give in, and this is best achieved through talks between two appointed representatives. The authoritarian Chinese system allows only ‘heroes shape society’, not ‘society shapes heroes’.

I am too aware that the latter solution asks for much ideological and cultural sacrifice from Tibetans. I have seen Tibetans escorted out of malls, harassed by police, looked down upon by shopkeepers. I have witnessed the same massive aid in-flows NOT benefit Tibetans as they do not the Mayans, Quechuas, Africans…then they are blamed for being stupid and lazy. One very educated Han told me: “Scientifically speaking, less oxygen exists above 3,000m, so Tibetans’ brains do not develop to the same capacity as us.”

I cry at the discrimination. But a Civil Rights Movement cannot exist in authoritarian China. Protests end in bloodshed and further oppression as they did in 6/4, 3/14, and many other failed movements.

To really have Tibetan people’s welfare and not one’s own ideology at heart, the T question is not: Should it be free? But, How can Tibetans have a voice in China?

3/14/08 (Lhasa protests) reference: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7941466.stm

6/4/89 (Tiananmen Sq protest) reference: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8057148.stm

A time to plant, a time to harvest

Dear Friends,

Some of you have expressed concern that I sound too pessimistic here. Thank you for bringing my attention to it, but I assure you that I'm not on the verge of depression. I simply find blogging to be a good release for thoughts that do not fit well into everyday conversation. Imagine when you are talking about the rising prices of soy sauce (or mozzarella), the other person says: "Touching multiple worlds can be a source of existential angst." Instead I say: "Soy sauce on mozzarella may be good." And I leave the former contemplation for here.

But at times when I am anxious, I give a special shout out to the old and new friends who have remained so faithful through my emotional rollercoasters. You dusted me off time and again as I tripped over the same rocks (that I put there myself). When I grumbled over the same things (ones that I do), you are as patient as hearing it for the first time. Thank Allah/Buddha/Supreme Being(s)/polytheistic gods for you.

Love,
Charlene

Tanto Tiempo Busque

Sabes de Reik:

Como aguja en un pajar
Te busqué sin cesar
Como huella en el mar
Tan difícil de hallar
Tanto tiempo busqué
Pero al fin encontré
Tan Perfecta
Como te imagine


Escuchando a Reik, pienso que todavia estoy buscando para "esa cosa", "eso camino", "eso persona". Ojala que como en todos los casos, la busqueda es mas importante que la resulta.

有一天啊，璐璐。。。

前几天是表妹的生日。她是我唯一认识的人有着24岁的身体、44岁的智慧、4岁心灵。

你头脑里是什么样的世界呢？在我们这些同岁身体、智慧、心灵的凡人的世上有很多人，但好多人还是很寂寞，被寂寞折磨的疲倦。你呢？在你那边的人不多吧？你在那边还满恰然自得的嘛。

记得二选一嘛？我想要是三选一的话：长的好看、头脑很好、心里平静，人都会选心平的。不但能够包含自己，也能容世上难容之事。你怎么那么幸运，还没去要已得到了心平呢？还是恰恰因为你不去争它，它就来了呢？

你24岁的生日璐璐，我祝你一生能像你现在一样：被文字而感动、被歌词而惊喜、被故事而入迷。我祝你能继续站在大白兔的毛上而不是缩在里面，用你4岁的眼睛去同时看着我们和苏菲的世界。

我们已知道生活是矛盾的、循环的。所以我祝你离座时记住你灿烂过、痛苦时记得那是幸福的另一面、知道可被心碎时去爱、去了解他人但生活在你的美妙世界里。

生日快乐啊，璐璐。

Choose One

A popular Taiwanese TV host was asked in an interview:

"If you can only choose one, would you want to have a beautiful face or a brilliant mind?"

"A beautiful face of course."

"Intelligence is not important?"

"If you don't have a pretty face, you'd probably realize it pretty quickly, but if you don't have sufficient brains, maybe you'd never realize it."

Such wisdom...

I choose the same as him but was given the opposite instead. So I have just enough brains to realize that I have neither a pretty face nor a nearly brilliant enough mind as well as a host of other unpleasant things that has everything or nothing to do with me.

grumblz grumblz

Adieu

谢安琪的“年度之歌", 表妹形容的最好：“巴适了！”

曾经攀上的天梯 曾经拥抱的身体
曾经在乎一切 被突然摧毁 霎那比沙更细
良夜美景没原因出了轨 来让我知一切皆可放低
还是百载未逢的美丽 得到过又促逝 也有一种智慧

＊ 全年度有几多首歌 给天天的播 给你最愉快的消磨
流行是一首窝心的歌 突然间说过就过
谁曾是你这一首歌 你记不清楚 我看著你离座
真高兴给你爱护过 根本你不欠我甚麼 ＊

曾经拥有的春季 曾经走过的谷底
人生是场轻梯 忽高也忽低 不输气势

Repeat ＊

谁曾是你这一首歌 你记不清楚 我看著你离座
很高兴因你灿烂过 高峰过总会有下坡

回忆装满的抽屉 时光机里的光辉
人生艳如花卉 但限时美丽 一览始终无遗
回望昨天剧场深不见底 还是有几幕曾好好发挥
还愿我懂下台的美丽 鞠躬了就退位 起码得到敬礼

谁又妄想一曲一世 让人忠心到底


A Cantonese song.

My favorite parts:
I have owned the warm springs. I have walked the low valleys.
To have experienced this beauty then to have lost is also wisdom gained.
I'm so happy to have shone brilliant because of you. With highs there are lows.
The year's touching songs go as quickly as they come. You don't remember who gave you this one, but I watched your attention go.
Thinking back to yester-year, I gave it my all.
And am so happy to have given to you. You don't owe me anything.
Yet I understand the grace in exit. As the lights go out, I take a bow.
Who can expect anyone to remain faithful to one song in one lifetime.

It is said a French woman never says 'adieu' to her lover unless she wishes to mark a period of prolong separation.

Adieu Academia.

Remembering June 4

"On that warm June 4 morning, Mr. Liu carried off the corpses of protesters, their blood spattering his shoes. Their sacrifice was too painful to face, much less reconcile.

Thursday marks 20 years since hundreds of students, workers and average citizens died in an army assault on the Tiananmen Square democracy movement in the center of Beijing. Inside China, the day is a nonevent; even oblique references to June 4 are taboo.

For the outside world, Chinese officials this year offer a tenable excuse: the protests, they say, threatened China’s stability. With stability restored, China produced an economic miracle that has lifted scores of millions from destitution.

For veterans of the June 4 movement, however, reconciliation is seldom so tidy or superficial.

...

He suffers nonetheless. He is appalled by the notion that China’s success was erected on the bodies of Tiananmen demonstrators. He struggles with the inability of Tiananmen’s ideals to gain more than a toehold in his homeland. And he despairs at the oft-expressed thought that his fellow Chinese have made a devil’s bargain, trading the freedom that he and his fellow protesters sought for a chance at a car and a bigger apartment.

'You can raise pigs to be very strong and very fat,” he said. “But a pig is still a pig. And a pig has no rights.'"

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/04/world/asia/04protester.html?hpw

I sit in a tea house in Chengdu watching people go about their busy, prosperous lives, and this article so eerily rings true. Forced and selective amnesia setting in on a nation that is not allowed, does not want, does not care to remember a bloody, failed movement. My dad called to say he was frisked by armed soldiers when he tried to enter the square today, so eerily like 20 years ago when he saw his friends fall, but the atmosphere is more 'stable', more 'harmonious' today. When he walked out, people on the streets asked him why there were so many people in the Square today. It has only been 20 years. It was a day that saw idealism leave my parents, the beginning of many abandoned dreams. I think of the bodies that never walked out of the Square, those wronged spirits that haunt it, all the things that repeat because people forget. But I'm among the few thinking these things today.